Oh my gosh! 
It's been awhile and I haven't posted this news on my deviantart journal so I'll say it now. 

I got hit by a car...  :bademoticon:    

so I wasn't lying when I said I almost died. It was really scary. My friend had witness me get hit and then flying onto the the floor. I dont remember how it was like going onto the floor, but all I remember was seeing white... I couldn't see or hear anything else... 
The shock was unreal and all. 
I'd love to tell the whole story, but it's just tiring to repeat saying it to everyone. So I'll keep it sweet. (Try)


It happened on Saturday 20th May around 1:30PM (BST *UK*) I was in Central London going to a cat cafe and thats what happened.... I got in shock shortly after and decided to go near my house for my family to meet me at the closest station near home. They came rushing and took me to the hospital to check for any injuries or anything like that. I spent 2 hours in A&E and I can gladly report, that there's not injuries or bruises. It's possible I got a head injury, if I did it can react really late. I was just in alot of pain and was told by the doctor to take on pain reliefs, or as I call them in this situation; "meds" to get me back to normal. It's been 4 days since it happened, I am actually surprised that I getting better really quickly! I was just lucky that I never got fully hit and it was only my right side of my body, that's feeling the pain. It will take time for me to get to normal since most of my strength is gone. But that's what my meds are for. I am taking quite alot and really often, gotta be careful to not drug myself. I went back to work on Monday as the hit was all I was thinking about and nothing else, even when I tried to distract myself... Going to work seems to be helping as I am moving my body trying to be like, "Hey, so I gonna continue life, just try to deal with the pain in the meantime." kind of thing... 


My thoughts about committing suicide (mention in my last journal) have gone. I felt life sucking away from me when I got hit. I thought I learnt my lesson when my grandfather passed away around christmas time; that life is valuable but I guess not. I also learnt that life is very short. I am nearly 20 and I COULD HAVE DIED THERE AND THEN!!!!! It's something I recommend people to not do. So cross the road properly kiddies, not like what I did!

For jokes, I was telling my mum that I should become a lolly pop lady now!  If lolly pop ladies aren't known in other places in the world, it's basically, ladies who stand at a crossing and when there's people waiting to cross, she walks on the road when it's safe with a sign in her hand, which makes the drivers stop so the people can cross the road.
 

I just wanted to let people know that I am still alive and that I may have changed slightly, (personality wise or just memory and surroundings) but after ramadaan I'll get back to drawing again!  

:bademoticon: :bademoticon: 

_{Just to clear things up, I wasn't in a car crash, I don't drive I crossed the road and my physical body got hit by the headlight of the car... Sorry, it's coz I get so many questions and repeated ones at that of misunderstood things!}

Realised I never made the story short. But it's one of the shorter at least... ALSO MY FAMILY FEARED FOR MY DEATH AND SAW THAT I WAS TRYING TO BE BRAVE ABOUT IT! I can never forget about this in my life. I got a cool story thou. I forgot to mention I got a chipped tooth, it was on the same tooth that had been chipped before hand. In school we had to go on trampolines and I slide near the edges while I was getting off, landed on my bed, lucky not on the floor, but had a chipped tooth for it.

I've always wanted to commit suicide since I was 11 years old when I started secondary school (high school for those who are outside the UK.) I've always had hated my life ever since then. But ever since going to sixth form college, I thought I was becoming happier and getting over it. But now it's all rushing back to me all over again.

I always thought that everyone should be dead because how hurt I felt. But then I thought that's not how I could realise my pain. I thought if I could perish in the world, It would end all of my suffering and free me from this strong and cruel world. I had always thought I was stronger than the world and I did stay strong. But the more pain I gain, the more suffering I gain and it shows how much weaker I am.  

When I was 11 years old, I only became this way because this was near the beginning of my teenage stage. Well, it's what I realise now; after completing childcare in college. But when at that stage, I had just left primary school. A lot of friends I knew what to the same school I did. I went up to them like there was nothing different, so we could all make new friends straight away. But I looked around me, most of the people I knew, didn't even want to talk to me. It was like they were looking down at me. Like what had happened in the past meant nothing to them. I am not just saying it to make them sound evil. But it genuinely happened to me. I actually had no friends and spend my break time and lunch time alone. I used to spent time watching my brother watching football with his friends. But he'd hate it and would want me to hang out with my friends, which I never had any. I would spend time eating lunch alone and then standing outside the next classroom I had to go to. Like I'd be waiting for like 50 minutes on my own. Watching, children playing outside and having fun. :bademoticon: 
After my brother had to go to college, I went home alone most of the time and it was still depressing. I was surrounded by everyone hanging out laughing about and even doing stuff I'd classify as dangerous or not safe or just I know I'd get in trouble by my family. I'd always tell my family when I first started, but I stopped telling them, because they hated it when I'd "bother" them. They always compared me to my brother and just because he was doing fine, they had always screamed and shouted at me, making me cry. So I'd stop telling them anything and just take in the pain. But it would always come out; I'd never show my family or teachers. I'd always go to bed and hide and cry all the time. Sometimes I'd go in the wardrobe and cry in there while hiding from my family. I was always quiet. But my family couldn't tell because I'd always hide that pain and show a fake smile. Always show a fake smile in my life.

When I went to college I met 4 amazing friends who I'd always be with and who made me happy. I never even did my coursework most of the time because I was happier with them and I'd rather spend ever minute with them. You'd always think that shouldn't make me still continue to commit suicide. It was reducing the fact that I did have that thought in my mind. But when i'd be there for them and they wouldn't be there for me, that's when I broke down. They never noticed if I were in pain or not. Why? I am so good at fake smiling. They hated their lives, but I've never ever told them I've wanted to commit suicide. To this day, they still do not know. :bademoticon: 

Why do I not mention this to anyone? Because people look at me like I am over reacting. They don't take my pain seriously. 
One of my friends from work, has known, and poor girl is there convincing me to not consider it. Like I've told her when I was in secondary school, I held a knife in my hand and pointed it to my stomach, while my mum was watching me doing it and laughing at me while I was crying. She thought, I was joking. She knows i scared of blood, she knew I never had the guts to do it. But that was the day I was committed to it. I pushed that knife so hard. it never even made a cut. I ended up crying myself to sleep that night. I wanted to end my life on that day. I had accepted that I'd go to hell. :bademoticon: 

I just want to end my life so badly. If I were to do that, no one would take me seriously. everyone would think I would be joking. You know I am too weak and too babyish to do this.  

You know. I am even surprised I am even to put this much into words. Because I never even could make a sentence or a word of how I felt.:bademoticon:  You know there's always more. I'd always forget because it just blends into my painful life that all I know is that I am hated and unloved.  

I hope everyone can finally understand how I feel and what I've kept locked up in my heart for what feels centuries. 
Hope you understand that this was hard to write without crying over. 
if you read the whole thing then i have so much respect for you. Although, this might not be seen as people really hate me... 

Hello people, its been Christmas since I last did a journal. So I was gonna post a journal since I just came across an issue on Paint Tool SAI. 
So when I used the selective tool is was doing this and I had no idea how and why it was doing it. I actually thought I broke my tablet instead... 


But after re-watching the footage of my livestream (livestream.com/accounts/192717…) I realised I spelt accidentally wrong. XD Jokes. But yeah I managed to fix the problem. I am happy about that because I was panicking like crazy about it.


Anyways now that I am here, might as well keep everyone update from December of what has been going on. So I am still working in the same place as before. (If I never mentioned it, I found a Christmas job and they've let me work there afterwards too.) and I thought it was alright until, I got more into it. I wasn't there forever yet, but after 4 months, I realised it wasn't a job for me. My dad's friends are managers of certain business, but I am actually waiting on they're reply. But now I think I should just search for a job on my own now, since the job is getting worse and now that it's holiday it's gonna be 2 months of hell. I literally get angry whenever I am at work now. I am no longer happy and it's making my life depressing actually.


I just hate my job. I can injure myself and they wouldn't really care THAT much. Probably thinking you're lying so you could go home early, since I do a late shift. (Only shift available they tell me and they offer others times that I wanted. wouldn't even offer me a full time and they offer it to others.) Because I am under 21 I getting paid £6.76 ($8.86 - US Dollar) I do so much more work than everyone and others are getting paid more than me. They say they pay fairly based on age, but it should be based on what you actually in the work place. If I was 21 - 24 I would get £6.83 ($8.96 - US Dollar) and 25+ get £7.20 ($9.44 - US Dollar) IDK if it's already big to have $8.86 but I know in UK pounds, that's very low. Also minimum wages. It's not even much. I get paid roughly around £530 a month without overtime  or what they say "Every 4 weeks" - I mean it's true but it's their wordings. ($695.02 - US Dollar). In the UK you wouldn't survive anywhere with that much cash. So IDK why a big business pays so low. Since I am part time I only work 4 hours and it's not even worth it, but the business struggles because people how work at the busiest time (the time I am working at ... -_-) are leaving because they are finding better jobs or they just dont want to ever come back again. People have gone on holiday and never returned to work. I feel like doing the same, but if I do that, they wont give me a reference when I want to get a new job.

When I come back from work, I have dinner that family made and that it's waiting for me and then go in bed, watch youtube on my phone and sleep. Wake up, shower, have breakfast and/or lunch, go to work. Cycle repeats... 
 

I made the drawing since I am always tired from work and this is why I dont draw much. 2 years ago, my goal was to have at least one drawing submitted a month. This is so I can practice drawing all the time instead of coming back to it like 4 months later and being scared of drawing again. I mean I do better like that, but I wont improve my skills and abilities like that. I've been busy on the internet as well.

I haven't been uploading durning Ramadan, since I was fasting. I did lose a few subs, but thats ok. I appreciate 836 who is supporting me. But I am still uploading livestreams I have done in the past. I am trying to catch up. If you wanna see current and future livestreams visit livestream.com/accounts/192717… and if you miss any events, they will be uploaded on youtube at a later date. (Haven't got a planner, I just roll with it...)  For those who don't know about my channel, I made a brand new trailer, so check it out to see what kinds of stuff I do on youtube. (still 10 minutes yes. But I dont want to kill everyone's eyes!) I am always looking forward to doing more on youtube, but I never do get any feed back on my newer stuff... Only stuff I've done in the past... I am always looking to improve as well, but I can't do much without feedback. I read all comments even if I don't reply to them. I do have a few stuff to plan for the channel's future, but I can only do that with your support. (I am not making money off this. Promise. IDK how to set it up and I have a job to get money anyways. Even if it's not much and the work isn't good. Youtube is like Deviantart for me. A place to have fun, interact with others and a place to share what you wanna share to the world. They both have a place in my heart! )


Well, I think that should be all, after all I've spoken alot. If you also wanna find updates check out my facebook page www.facebook.com/PrincezzReeFa… you can find out stuff, like how I got into Fairy Tail recently and when I'll be livestreaming, FB exclusive stuff and stuff I wanna share on FB. Thanks for your support and what not and I am always making people follow my media and what not. But I just wanna share so much with the internet, it makes me feel better about myself in my life. Specially right now, due to working all the time... 

Hopefully I think I'll be able to livestream on 19/12/15 at 12pm BST (British Standard Time). 


If I am not then you can check on the link when it will be next available if you're interested. I'll also be updating this if I remember to so check to see if it's updated when it says online in my title. 

livestream.com/accounts/192717…

I am going to draw christmas jumper coz at work today (18/12/15) we had to wear them to work to raise money for a UK charity; Text Santa. It's to make other peoples christmas better!  

Edit: 20/12/15

Completed! Speedpaints are avaliable and so are my pictures!
   


Hope you enjoy them and thanks to those who were able to come to the livestream!